Love's Requiem
by Ilyriah
Summary: Shenko Pairing. Kaidan POV with Female Renegade Shepard. Romance. Follows main story for Mass Effect with additional story arcs and scenes for character progression. This is for all you Kaidan fans who want to hear his side of the story!
1. Strangers

"I don't like that guy," Joker muttered under his breath as he adjusted a dial on his console.

Kaidan glanced over at the Flight Lieutenant. He had recently been assigned to the S.S.V. Normandy and was still getting use to the pilot's overly familiar personality.

"I don't like him," Joker repeated. "He gives me the heebie jeebies, and I don't care what we're told. The Council doesn't just send a Spectre along to inspect our stealth system. What do you think is really going on, Alenko?"

"Maybe you're a little paranoid," Kaidan cautioned. "The Council helped fund this project, they have a right to send someone to keep an eye on their investment."

"Maybe you're a little blind," Joker retorted. "Blind, deaf, and dumb. Only an idiot believes the _official_ story. Besides, it's not just the Spectre but a new Commander? C'mon, everyone's heard of Shepard."

The Staff Lieutenant opted to remain silent. Of course he'd heard of Commander Shepard. Who hadn't? Five years ago, her name had been broadcasted all over the galaxy. Despite her relative inexperience and young age, the Alliance had tasked her with the assignment to raid a criminal base on Torfan. She did the job. Thoroughly. She not only murdered the surrendering troops but had sent her entire unit to die in order to accomplish the objective. The ground on Torfan was probably still stained red from all the blood spilled that day.

"Anyway," Joker continued when Kaidan didn't reply, "you don't send Spectres on shakedown runs, and you don't assign someone like the Commander to a ship without-"

"Status Report!" Shepard's authoritative voice rang out as she walked onto the bridge. Her presence seemed to make the cramped space even smaller.

"Woah there, Commander!" Joker turned to give her a reproachful look. "I think you nearly gave me a heart attack. How the hell do you manage to sneak up on people like that?"

"It's a skill that keeps you alive, Lieutenant." Shepard frowned in disapproval at Joker's flippant attitude. "Now how close are we to the jump?"

"Hey, you can't rush these things, Commander," Joker admonished. "You jump halfway across the galaxy, you gotta be real careful where you aim yourself, you know?"

Kaidan kept his eyes on his console as silence spread through the bridge. The temperature seemed to drop several degrees. He thought he saw Joker cringe.

"Sorry, Commander! The Arcturus Prime Relay is in range." Joker dropped his easy going demeanor. "Relay is hot, and all stations are secure for transit."

Joker guided the Normandy towards the giant mass relay station before disengaging the thrusters. "The board is green. Approach run has begun. Hitting relay in three..."

The ship hummed as it aligned itself to the course Joker set.

"...two..."

Kaidan braced himself for the inevitable discomfort that came from being sucked into a relay.

"...one..."

His stomach dropped as the Normandy was propelled to their new coordinates on the border of the Terminus System.

_No matter how many times I do this, I will never get use to it._

"Thrusters...check. Navigation...check. Internal emissions sink engaged. All systems online. Drift...just under 1500 K." Joker smacked his chair with a satisfied grin on his face. "I never cease to amaze myself."

Commander Shepard growled in disgust, "You're a soldier, and you need to act like it." She spun around on her heels and marched out of the bridge.

"I don't like her either," Joker grumbled and mockingly saluted her retreating back.


	2. Respect

"Woah! What the hell are those?" Corporal Jenkins' voice buzzed through the intercom as soon as they walked out of the Normandy.

"Just Gas Bags. They won't hurt us unless you shoot them in close proximity," Kaidan informed Jenkins as he visually skimmed the rocky surroundings for enemy troops.

The sun was turning the sky a blood red as it began to disappear over the horizon. Eden Prime was silent. Too silent.

_Smells like smoke and death._

He waited for further instructions from Commander Shepard as he crouched behind a large rock. Jenkins braced himself behind a tree. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the Commander shift her weight imperceptibly. When he turned his attention to her, she nodded her approval and motioned with her hands.

_Down that path towards the left. On my command._

Kaidan nodded once, and adjusted his grip on his pistol.

_Move out._

The Commander led the way as the three of them broke cover in unison. She set an unrelenting pace and continued to move fast and steady over rough terrain. Kaidan followed close behind with his weapon held low but ready. Sweat trickled down his forehead, and his muscles strained to keep up with the Commander. His heart pounded, and he breathed hard as they climbed a steep hill.

Just as he noticed the faint outline of distant buildings ahead, a round of enemy gunfire punctured the still air. The three of them dived behind a nearby outcropping for cover. Dust flew in the air as bullets tore up the ground nearby. A bullet zinged by Kaidan's head. He ducked as rock shards broke off and pelted down on him.

The Commander hunkered down beside him. He thought he saw her cool eyes flicker over him once to assess his condition with professional detachment. An unmistakable glimmer of respect flashed through her eyes before she glanced down at her tactical HUD to pull up a detailed map of the area.

Feeling strangely flustered, Kaidan distracted himself by checking on Jenkins. The young man was pale and fatigued but he gave the Lieutenant a shaky thumbs up and a wide grin.

"We need to head towards those buildings." The Commander's voice was barely audible through the intercom as she looked up from her map. "There's no other way but through the front."

Jenkins' face turned an even paler shade at this ominous news, and a fresh sheen of sweat broke out on his brow.

The Commander nudged Jenkins with her foot. "You either keep up with us or we leave you behind. Are we clear?"

Without waiting for a response, she briefed them on their approach. She would head out first, followed closely by Jenkins. They would need to move fast. As the sole biotic on the team, Kaidan would stay back to provide cover.

"Stay low. Run fast. Keep firing," The Commander instructed as she got into position. She glanced back at Kaidan to make sure he was ready. In response, he shook out his left hand. His body hummed as electrical impulses shot down his arm and began to glow a faint blue.

When there was a brief lull in the gunfire, Shepard dashed out into the open. Jenkins scrambled to follow.

Kaidan fired his pistol at a hovering drone while unleashing a blast of pure energy at a second one. He felt a surge of grim satisfaction when the two drones fell from the sky.

"Watch out!" Shepard's voice ran out in alarm.

Jenkins' body jerked as bullets pierced his armor.

"Damn it!" The Commander raised her rifle to shoot one of the drones as it soared overhead. It crashed to the ground with a clatter.

Kaidan saw another drone abruptly switch directions as it veered behind the Commander. Acting on instinct, he generated a large mass effect shield in front of Shepard just as the drone let loose another round of gunfire. Bullets ricocheted off of the shield, and he winced as he fought to maintain shield strength. Shepard took the opportunity to let loose a round of ammo from behind the safety of the shield.

Between the two of them, the geth drones were soon terminated.

His blood still racing from adrenaline, Kaidan's senses were on hyperdrive. A quick look at his HUD radar revealed no other hostiles in the vicinity.

"I think we're good, Commander," He informed her over the intercom. Blue sparks jumped from one arm to another as he waved away the floating shield.

As silence descended on them, Kaidan knelt beside Jenkins. The absence of light on his HUD indicated the soldier was gone. He gave a cursory examination of the holes on Jenkin's armor and shook his head in disgust. "Ripped right through his shields. He never had a chance."

"Leave him," Shepard instructed. Her voice was detached as she looked towards the campsite. She was eager to get moving. "We need to retrieve the beacon before it's too late."

_What?_

Kaidan clenched his jaw as Shepard's callous words registered. Jenkins had been a friend on the Normandy and a fellow soldier.

The Commander must've seen the disapproval on his face because she turned to look at him. Her eyes bored into his. "I don't make a habit of entrusting my life to just anyone but I do trust my gut. That's why I kept you behind to watch our backs. That's why I kept Jenkins close. Do you understand what I'm saying, Lieutenant?"

Mulling over her words, Kaidan came to the realization that her reputation did her a gross injustice. She experienced no satisfaction in losing her troops but had to make do with what she had been given. The need to sacrifice thousands to save millions was an unfair burden on her shoulders but she gladly took up the mantle because there was no one else who would do it. His face must've registered his new found admiration for the Commander because she looked away.

"I need you to stay focused." Her voice was gruff as if she felt uncomfortable with revealing so much. "This is much bigger than any of us."

They continued on towards the dig site.


	3. Trust

Before they had gone very much farther, they heard more gunshots out in the distance. Kaidan went on high alert and braced himself behind a rock. He readied his pistol.

Suddenly, a marine stumbled passed them. Her foot caught in a protruding vine, and she fell hard. Frantically, she twisted around to shoot blindly at the geth behind her.

"Take 'em out!"

Kaidan didn't need Shepard to repeat her order. Surprise was on their side as he raised his gun and dispatched one while Shepard took out the other two.

When the heat of the battle subsided, they both turned to the woman lying on the ground.

"Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams of the 212!" The woman picked herself up and saluted. "You the one in charge here, ma'am?"

"Status report!" Commander Shepard barked by way of an answer.

They soon learned that the marine's unit had been wiped out by an army of geth. They had been patrolling the perimeter when the enemy ambushed them. Williams had barely survived and had only managed to get away because of her quick thinking and reflexes.

"Let me join your team, ma'am," Williams added after her report was completed. "I'd like to kick some geth butt after what they did to my unit."

Shepard abruptly shook her head. "No. You'll just be a liability. Lieutenant Alenko and I will take care of this."

Williams looked stunned and opened her mouth to argue when Kaidan interrupted her, "With all due respect, Commander, I think Chief Williams should join us. She knows the area, and we could use the extra firepower."

Shepard slowly turned towards him and gave him a steely look.

_If looks could kill, I bet that one would do it._

But far from being intimidated, Kaidan met her gaze with respectful silence. He'd said what he had to say. With Jenkins gone, they needed another competent soldier to fill in their ranks. He had always been a good judge of character, and Williams had already proven herself by surviving the geth attack.

They seemed to be at an impasse as they locked eyes with one another. Kaidan could see her mind assessing the situation as she considered his request. Half-expecting she would pull rank and order him to stand down, he was surprised when the Commander relented.

"It seems as if Lieutenant Alenko feels you'll be an asset to our operation." She turned her attention back to Williams. "I trust his instincts so don't do anything to make me regret my decision. Obey my commands, and we won't have a problem. You got me?"

Williams saluted. "Understood, Commander. You give the orders, and I'll follow 'em!"

Suddenly a crash resounded within one of the nearby structures. Kaidan tensed, and a quick glance at his HUD revealed there were other humans in the proximity.

"Civilians," He reported and pointed to the closest structure. "They must've hid there during the attack."

Upon inspection of the building exterior, the Commander motioned to Kaidan. "The door's locked to keep intruders out." She shrugged unapologetically. "I can shoot a drone 150 paces away but it'll take me forever to figure out the proper algorithm to decrypt this lock."

Kaidan palmed the controls. Under his skillful hands, the latch popped, and the door hissed open.

As their eyes adjusted to the darkness, they heard a woman call out, "Humans, thank the maker! Hurry, close the door before they come back. We're saved!"

An older woman approached them. Her hands shook as her eyes darted back and forth to make sure no one else would be breaching the safe confines of her shelter.

Towards the back of the small room, a man huddled in one corner. He moaned, "No one is saved. The age of humanity is ended. Soon, only ruin and corpses will remai-"

"Please ignore him," The woman interrupted the man's ravings. "Manuel is my assistant. He has a brilliant mind but he's always been a bit unstable."

Upon hearing the woman's description of him, Manuel staggered to his feet. Spittle flew from his lips, and his body convulsed as he snarled at the Commander, "You cannot silence the truth! My voice must be hear-"

"I gave him an extra dose of his meds after the attack," The woman continued speaking as if Manuel wasn't there. "He'll be out like a light soon."

Kaidan's eyes widened as the man continued to scream at the top of his lung about death, destruction, and the fate of humanity. He never considered himself a superstitious man but even he was starting to feel ill at ease at the madness that spilled from the man's lips.

_I don't think the meds are working._

"Say goodnight, Manuel." Commander Shepard's voice indicated she had come to the same conclusion. As she drew back her fist, Kaidan swallowed his protest. Her fist connected with a crunch, and Manuel's head snapped back from the force of her blow. His body dropped to the floor.

"Oh my god, what did you do?" The woman gasped as she knelt beside her assistant to check his pulse.

Kaidan shifted his weight and cleared his throat. "That might've been a little extreme, Command-"

"You can't just go around whacking people in the head!" The woman ignored Kaidan as she berated the Commander.

Shepard coolly eyed Manuel's prone body. "It was only a matter of time before he did something crazy." A hard edge appeared in her voice as she shifted her full attention to the woman. "He was giving away our position and endangering us all."

The woman quailed when she saw the look on the Commander's face. "I guess you're right," She conceded hastily.

The Commander didn't waste any more time as she questioned the woman about what had transpired at their site before they had arrived. They soon found out what they needed to know. The beacon had recently been transfered to a nearby spaceport prior to the attack.

"Williams, take us to the spaceport!" Commander Shepard ordered as they ran out of the structure. "We're running out of time."


	4. Attraction

"It's just a flesh wound." The Commander's words were reassuring but she winced as she applied pressure to the wound on the side of her torso.

Kaidan clenched his teeth as he watched her blood ooze out between her fingers. He was suddenly furious with himself for not erecting a shield in front of her in time.

They had encountered a dozen geth troopers at the spaceport. The enemy had put up a stiff resistance until Williams had delivered a well aimed shot at a nearby plasma container. The resulting explosion evened the odds enough for the three of them to pick off the remaining troopers.

The Commander's face was ashen, and her fingers trembled as she peeled back part of her armor to assess the damage. She reached for her medi-gel but when her fingers fumbled, she cursed. The small vial fell.

Kaidan grabbed it off the ground. "Let me, Commander." He supported her with one arm while he pulled out a bag of saline solution from his med kit with the other. Ripping off the top of the package with his teeth, he flushed out the wound with the clear fluid before applying the medi-gel. Kaidan tried not to notice how soft her skin was against his calloused hands. Instead, he watched carefully as the salve formed a tight seal against Shepard's flesh.

He was reluctant to let her go until he was sure she could stand on her own. He thought of Jenkins' dead body still lying out in the open. In the wrong place and at the wrong time, no one could cheat death. Suddenly, all of the Commander's infamous exploits seemed surreal.

_How had she survived it all?_

Shepard grunted her thanks as she pulled away from him. She readjusted her armor. The color appeared back on her face, and her movements became less stiff as the anesthetic in the medi-gel kicked in.

"Williams," She called out to the Gunnery Chief, "good job with the plasma container back there."

"Just wanted to see them get what they deserved, ma'am!"

Suddenly, a man's voice rang out into the open, "Everyone stay calm out there! We're coming out! We're not armed!"

The Commander pulled her gun out. Her hand was still soaked in her own blood but her aim was steady. "Nobody moves a muscle until we know who you are!"

Kaidan heard the hiss of a door slide open nearby, and three men came out into the clearing. They held their hands palm up to show they were defenseless and eyed the Commander's gun with wide eyes. Eventually they managed to sum up the courage to explain. They were a group of dock workers who had been assigned to help out at the spaceport. When gunfire broke out, they had turned tail and had hid in the nearest cargo hold. From there, they had seen one Spectre kill another before boarding the cargo train to the next platform.

Upon hearing their story, the Commander immediately began to run towards the cargo train with Williams following closely behind her. Their target was close.

Before he could follow, Kaidan heard the familiar sound of a gun being pulled out of its holster. His body froze, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw one of the dockworkers point a gun directly at him. The man nudged his friend and motioned to the back of his neck with a not-so-subtle grimace. The second man spun towards Kaidan with fear in his eyes.

Trying not to make any sudden movements, Kaidan held out his hands to show he was unarmed. He had a suspicion he knew where this was going.

"You...You're one of those freaks," One of the dockworkers spat out.

"Stay out of our heads!" Another man chimed in. His eyes shifted from side to side as he backed away from Kaidan.

He had encountered prejudice from other humans before. Mainly civilians, they either believed he could read and control people's mind or they thought his physiological modifications was an affront to humanity. Kaidan use to try his best to prove them wrong on both counts but they never listened. Even the military, who made a show of offering huge recruitment incentives to biotics, merely tolerated them enough to take advantage of their abilities in the field.

"Shit!" The man cursed as he made the sign of the cross over his chest with shaking fingers. "The freak's going to find out everything!" He pulled the trigger.

Before Kaidan could react, the Commander was suddenly there. She pushed aside the gun, and the bullet went wide. One of her hands shot out to grasp the dockworker's neck. When she plowed him into one of the nearby crates, the man gasped in pain. He dropped the gun.

"Call him a freak again," The Commander snarled into the man's ear, "and you'll be picking your teeth off the floor." The man tried to speak but only managed a choked gurgle. His eyes bulged, and he jerked his head up and down to appease the Commander. She squeezed his neck a little harder to prove her point before releasing him.

Kaidan tried to keep his face impassive. He'd gotten so use to other people's preconceived notions of biotics that the Commander's response surprised him. As much as he hated it, a tiny part of him wanted to revel in the man's distress.

"I'm going to ask you just once." Shepard eyeballed the men with a predatory glint in her eyes. "What did you not want the Lieutenant here to find out?"

They blanched when they realized they had more to fear from the Commander than the biotic. The men stumbled over their words in their haste to tell the Commander about their small smuggling ring. One of them shoved a handful of weapons at them. "This is all we have, I swear!"

Commander Shepard snorted in disgust. As the men stumbled away, Kaidan noticed her lips were pressed into a thin line. A muscle in her jaw clenched.

"Not all of humanity is worth saving," Shepard muttered under her breath. "If they only knew what you biotics have to go through..." Her voice trailed off as she bent her head over the array of weapons in front of them.

Kaidan didn't know what to say. He was embarrassed the Commander had felt the need to step in but he was also intrigued that she had actually chosen to defend him. Of course, she probably just hated the idea of losing another competent soldier.

"You seem more at ease with biotics than most people I've met, ma'am." He wanted to know more about her. He knew the rumors but he wanted to get to know the woman behind all the stories. He was more interested in her than he should be.

"Biotics tend to be more self-controlled." The Commander seemed oblivious to his discomfort as she discarded several weapons before offering him a new pistol. "I've found I can rely on them more than most soldiers."

_Oh._

He had guessed as much but something in him felt a little disgruntled at the Commander's impersonal comment. Disgusted with himself, he mentally shook himself and reached for the gun in the Commander's hand. He grimaced when he felt the electricity in his body react to the cold metal and resigned himself to the familiar pain he would soon feel against the pads of his fingers. Even with his armor in place, the static electricity leaped from his fingers and onto the gun, then the blue current sparked against the Commander's hand. When he heard her hiss in pain, Kaidan smiled ruefully and shrugged. "Perils of working with a biotic."

The Commander laughed as she shook out her fingers. She didn't seem to mind.

Kaidan started at her response. Her grin transformed her usual strict demeanor into something else entirely. The Commander glanced at him, a smile still hovering over her lips, and Kaidan thought she was about to say something to him. Instead, she handed Williams an assault rifle before taking off towards the cargo train.

"The beacon's close by," She tossed back over her shoulder. "We're nearly there."


	5. Allies

"5 seconds, Lieutenant!" Commander Shepard alerted him as she eyed the clock panel on the demolition charge.

Kaidan worked as fast as he could without tripping any of the anti-tampering devices the geth had installed into their bomb. While he worked, he kept one eye on the clock.

_00:04_

He carefully extracted the detonator chip and sprayed a small amount of liquid hydrogen onto the wires that connected to the nuclear plasma fuel.

_00:03_

Once they were frozen, he switched two of the connector cables.

_00:02_

He spliced a third wire, and held his breath.

The countdown stopped.

Air whooshed out of his lungs, and he rocked back on his heels in satisfaction. When they had arrived at the spaceport, they had been greeted by a dozen geth troopers and destroyers. Shepard and Williams had fought them off as Kaidan struggled to defuse all the demolition charges in time.

"Let's go," The Commander ordered. She was anxious to keep moving. They had seen a foreign ship launch from the station just prior to arriving at the spaceport. While they had just rescued Eden Prime from destruction, the beacon was still missing.

Kaidan followed the Commander as they ran across a ramp to reach the launch pad. As they turned the corner, he saw it. The beacon glowed a sinister green against the setting sun, and Kaidan recoiled as he felt waves of dark energy spill out of the alien artifact. The Commander seemed impervious to the aura as she immediately reached for her telecom to radio the Normandy with their coordinates.

"This is amazing," Kaidan told Williams in a hushed reverent tone. "Actual working Prothean technology. This is unbelievable."

Williams seemed unimpressed as she eyed the green glow. "It wasn't doing anything like that when they dug it up earlier."

"Something must've activated it." Kaidan forgot about Williams as he stared in fascination at the beacon. His body hummed as his biotics reacted subtly to the emanating dark energy of the beacon. It seemed to call to him, reaching out to draw him in closer.

With a start, he realized the beacon _was_ drawing him in.

Kaidan struggled to get away but the aura had him in his grasp. He tried to yell for help but he was unable to speak. He thrashed his arms and managed to twist around but to no avail, the beacon inexorably drew him even closer.

He saw the Commander's face register alarm when she realized what was happening. She dropped her transmitter and charged straight at him with a determined expression on her face. By now, the beacon had lifted him off the floor, and his mind recoiled as he felt an immense alien presence whisper to him in his own head.

"Kaidan!" The Commander yelled as she leaped into the air. Her body slammed into his and knocked him hard to the ground. Kaidan felt the aura reluctantly loosen its grasp on him, and he retched as nausea overcame his senses. As his stomach heaved, he suddenly felt the beacon direct its full attention to the Commander.

"Shepard!" Kaidan tried to warn her. He reached out blindly for the Commander but suddenly Williams was there instead.

"No, don't touch her. It's too dangerous!" Williams held him back.

Horrified, Kaidan helplessly watched Shepard try to free herself from the beacon's grasp. She struggled for an indeterminable amount of time until the beacon managed to breach her defenses. Her body went limp, and he felt, rather than saw, the invasive dark energy pour itself into her mind. Her hands twitched.

Then as if something had gone terribly wrong, the beacon began to shudder. It's vibration grew more violent, and Kaidan silently screamed as his biotics nearly shredded him apart in response to the raging dark energy. Just as his mind was about to fracture in two, the beacon blew itself up, and the force threw Shepard's body clear across the platform.

Kaidan rushed to her.

Her breathing was shallow, and she was unconscious. But she was alive.


	6. Regret

Kaidan paced outside the medical room and wearily rubbed the back of his neck. The mission on Eden Prime was suppose to have been a standard retrieval op but things had quickly become complicated. Not only had they lost Jenkins, but the Spectre that accompanied them had been killed. The beacon was broken thanks to him, and now they had to run back to the Council with their tail between their legs.

He grunted when he remembered how stupid he had been. He had been so enthralled by seeing a real Prothean beacon that he had gotten too close without thinking. His stomach clenched as he remembered gathering up the Commander's limp body to feel for a pulse. Both him and Williams had been so sure she wouldn't have survived the blast.

Kaidan flexed his hands. He had been surprised to discover how soft and fragile the Commander was when he carried her onto the Normandy. He supposed it made sense physiologically, but it didn't seem congruent at all with her larger-than-life reputation.

_It's my fault the mission failed._

The door to the medical room hissed open, and Doctor Chakwas came out.

"She's fine," Chakwas told him with a reassuring smile. "Just knocked unconscious by the blast but should come around soon. I've detected some strange brain activity but physically, she's in perfect condition. I need to debrief the Captain on the Commander's condition. You can keep an eye on her for me if you'd like."

As Doctor Chakwas left, Kaidan slipped into the medical room and approached the prone form lying on the bed. Shepard's face was soft and unguarded.

Looking down on her as she slept, Kaidan remembered how stunned and tongue-tied he was the first time he had met her on board the Normandy. Who would've thought the notorious Commander Shepard would be so beautiful?

His eyes lingered over the scar on her face. It started just above her left eyebrow, crossed over the bridge of her nose, and ended just under her right earlobe. It was a jarring reminder of the kind of life she lived but curiously, it seemed to suit her.

Below deck rumors speculated the scar must've been from Torfan. The crew surmised the Commander never had it corrected because she considered it a badge of honor. While Kaidan agreed that Torfan had brought her any post in the fleet, he doubted she kept the scar for that reason.

Suddenly, the Commander groaned, "Wha- happened?" Her voice slurred slightly as she sat up slowly.

"You'll be fine, Commander," Kaidan reassured her. "Doctor Chakwas informed me you were just knocked unconscious."

He watched in alarm as Shepard started to get off the bed. "Maybe you shouldn't-"

Shepard waved away his protestations and stood somewhat unsteadily on her two feet. "Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?" Shepard rolled her shoulders to work out the kinks in her muscles but the movement proved to be too much for her. She winced.

Seeing her in such a weakened state made him feel like someone was driving a red hot fork into his gut. "Commander," Kaidan blurted out, "it's my fault. I must've triggered some kind of security field when I approached the beacon. I apologize for what happened. If I hadn't been such an idiot, we would have the beacon right now, and you wouldn't have been hurt."

Kaidan could see Shepard debating on how best to respond to his apology. He fully expected her to put this on his permanent record and have him reassigned to a desk job. It would serve him right.

_My old man will never look me in the eye again._

A weary sigh escaped past her lips. Shepard's shoulders slumped as she turned towards him. "There was no way anyone could know what the beacon would do, Alenko. I don't blame you."

At her reassuring words, Kaidan felt the weight on his shoulder lift. He didn't expect such a forgiving response from the infamous "Butcher of Torfan", and he certainly didn't expect to see this softer side coming from his Commander.

"Well I'm glad to see you're OK, Commander," Kaidan said. "Losing Jenkins was hard on the crew, and I'm glad we didn't lose you too."

"Things were pretty rough down there," Shepard agreed. She took another step while she tested the extent of her injuries by slowly rotating her torso and flexing her wrists.

Kaidan almost reached out when she stumbled but she managed to catch herself. Shepard's face paled as her movements taxed her diminished strength. She looked fragile.

"Dead marines, dead colonist, and in the end, we still didn't get that beacon." Shepard pursed her lips unhappily. "The mission failed."

Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck. Things had gone real bad down there but there was no point in repeating the obvious.

"But you did good down there, Alenko," Shepard continued. "I know you blame yourself for what happened but I wouldn't have made it out alive without you."

Kaidan felt his ears burn at Shepard's compliment, and didn't quite know what to say in response.

"You might not know this," Shepard told him, "but I make it a habit of going through all my crew's files when I take on an assignment. I need to know who I'll be working with, who I can trust. I like knowing what kind of man I have at my back. You have an impressive service record, over a dozen special commendations."

"Just doing my job, ma'am."

"You should know I put in a special request to keep you on board," Shepard continued as if he hadn't said anything. "The Captain and Nihlus had another candidate they wanted to bring onto the Normandy. An L3."

_What?_

"They were worried about your migraines," Shepard explained. "They thought you might collapse at a crucial point in the mission."

"I spike higher than L3s!" Kaidan protested. "I've proven myself in combat, and I've never let down my unit."

"I know that, Alenko. That's exactly what I told Anderson." Her voice softened and she looked away. "I'm glad he decided to listen to me."

Kaidan mulled over her words. He was still reeling from the fact that she hadn't booted him off the Normandy. Instead, she was telling him...what exactly?

But before he could respond, the door to the medical room slid opened, and Doctor Chakwas walked in. "Ah, you're awake. How are you feeling?"

"Could be better, but I'll survive." Shepard's words were suddenly crisp and confident. All traces of pain and fatigue seemed to have disappeared though Kaidan noticed she still looked a little pale. The softness he had glimpsed in her earlier was gone.

She was the Commander once again.


	7. Dismissal

The Council decided to deny their request to revoke Saren's Spectre status. Shepard's mood was dark after dealing with both the Council and Ambassador Udina. Kaidan couldn't blame her. He had nearly lost his own temper when Udina not only criticized Shepard for their failed mission on Eden Prime but had insinuated she was a lunatic for believing her visions could be anything more than just dreams.

Williams had been quiet throughout the entire fiasco but Kaidan noticed her ears had turned a bright red during the Council hearing while she seethed in silence. It wasn't until they boarded a rapid transit vehicle that a litany of profanity poured out of her mouth as she swore to Shepard that no matter what, they would prove the Council wrong.

"Why does the Council have such a huge problem with humans anyway?" Williams fumed.

Surprised at Williams' staunch defense of their mission, Shepard snapped out of her bad mood as a wry smile spread across her features.

"Well," Shepard attempted to joke, "why not? We've got oceans, beautiful women, this emotion called love. According to the old vids. We have everything they want."

Bemused by Shepard's sudden change in demeanor, Kaidan reveled in the new found sense of camaraderie in the transit vehicle. "When you put it that way," He added, "there's no reason they wouldn't like _you_."

An awkward silence descended. When he realized what he had just said, Kaidan flushed in embarrassment.

_Good going, Alenko. Way to put foot in mouth._

Thankfully, the transport arrived at its destination at that moment, and the hatch door slid open with a hiss. Kaidan stumbled out trying to look at everything else but at the Commander.

"Watch it, Lieutenant," She rebuked him as she exited the transport. "We're on duty here."

Kaidan was about to apologize but the speculative look on her face stopped him. He realized in confusion that she didn't seem to entirely disapprove. She locked eyes with him for just a split second longer than necessary before walking away.

_What the hell was that about?_

"Oh Lord." Williams rolled her eyes at him. "You don't take much shore leave, do you L-T?" She brushed by him and followed the Commander into the entry way leading to Chora's Den.

Almost immediately, a round of gunfire broke out, and nearby pedestrians screamed and dived for cover. Kaidan pulled his pistol out and charged up the eezo nodules in his arm. His body hummed as electricity gathered at his palm. As he ran through the doors, he aimed a bolt of energy at the closest assailant. Shepard and Williams took out the rest.

"Must be Saren's men," Williams muttered.

Shepard spat on one of the dead bodies in disgust. "This is how a Spectre fights? I expected more from him." She stalked past the blood and strode into the seedy tavern.

Once inside, loud music blasted away at a deafening level, and a sweet sickly stench wafted over them. Kaidan saw Shepard ignore two gyrating figures on a couch as she made a beeline towards Harkin.

Williams leaned in close to yell, "I bet they didn't even hear the gunshots. It's so loud in here!"

Kaidan holstered his pistol and kept close to the Commander. His adrenaline was still pumping, and he could hear his heart beat loudly in his ears in time with the pounding rhythm of the music. He scanned the room for possible dangers, and chose a vantage point by the wall that afforded him a good view of the main doors.

He glanced over at the Commander. She seemed oblivious to her surroundings as Harkin smirked at her. For a moment, he felt sorry for the ex-soldier. The Commander was in no mood to be messed with.

Suddenly, Kaidan's instincts kicked into high gear as he notice a man watching the Commander as if he was trying to burn an image of her into his brain. The man scratched his unshaven chin and downed the last of his drink in one gulp. When he began to make his way to the Commander, Kaidan noticed the way he moved. It was a predator's walk, and the Commander was clearly his prey.

Kaidan's heart skipped a beat. He placed one hand on his pistol and glanced over at Shepard to warn her.

But the Commander was leaning over Harkin with a ferocious scowl and didn't seem to notice Kaidan's warning. Whatever she had whispered into his ear must've hit home because Harkin visibly paled and began to talk fast. Really fast.

By now, the unidentified man was too close for comfort. But before Kaidan could draw his gun, the Commander spun around and aimed her rifle squarely at the man's face. The man stared down the barrel of the Commander's gun and raised an eyebrow. A wide smile spread across his lips, and he didn't seem concerned.

Somebody must've noticed the gun because suddenly the music was shut off. The silence was even more deafening than the throbbing techno rhythm as dancers bumped into one another in confusion, and a patron dropped his glass with a shatter.

"You haven't changed a bit." The Commander lowered her gun as she ran her eyes down the man's body the same way Kaidan had seen her inspect new military gear. When she bared her teeth in a feral grin, Kaidan started at the husky laugh that emanated from her throat. It was a sound that could've come from any one of the gyrating dancers at Chora's Den but he didn't expect it from a Lieutenant Commander of the Systems Alliance.

"Hey Slim." The man winked at Shepard. "I see you're still as fast on the draw. Age doesn't seem to have slowed you down much."

The man closed the distance between them until he stood directly in front of her. Shepard's eyes were unreadable as the man raised one hand to run a thumb down the scar on her face. When she didn't respond, the man growled his displeasure. He grabbed her neck with his hand, pulling her close. Without waiting to see if she would resist him, he slammed his lips against hers.

"Wowzas." Williams sidled up to Kaidan and hummed in blatant feminine approval. "Now that's a kiss."

Kaidan narrowed his eyes as Shepard buried her hands into the thug's hair. The man pull her even tighter against him.

At that moment, somebody must've decided the threat was over and turned the music back on. Drunkards turned back to their drinks and dancers continued to gyrate to the deafening music.

The man reluctantly broke away but Kaidan noticed with disapproval that he kept one arm wrapped around Shepard in a possessive embrace. The Commander's face was flushed, and she whispered something into the man's ear. He laughed loud enough for Kaidan to hear over the music, and the two of them sat down at an empty table nearby.

"C'mon, Alenko!" Williams dragged him over. She pulled an empty chair from another table and sat next to the stranger. The man turned lazily towards her with a rakish smile.

"At ease, Lieutenant," Shepard ordered and kicked a fourth chair over. Kaidan sat down reluctantly next to her and eyed the strange man with suspicion. Something about the newcomer rubbed him the wrong way, and despite his Commander's relaxed demeanor, his senses remained on high alert.

"This is Lieutenant Alenko and Gunnery Chief Williams." Shepard nodded at her team then gestured towards the man. "This is Jake Marshall. We knew each other back on Earth a long time ago."

Williams whistled, "You must've known him real well, Commander." She nodded knowingly and winked at Jake.

"We were each other's only family," Jake acknowledged. "We grew up in the slums of Earth fighting against the rest of the world. Ain't that right, Slim?"

"Jake here taught me to shoot my first gun," Shepard explained. "He took me under his wing and taught me how to survive on my own."

"You were a quick learner, Shepard," Jake told her, "and you had a good head on your shoulder." His grin grew lascivious as he ran his eyes over her body. "I'm not surprised to see how well you've turned out."

Kaidan cleared his throat and stared balefully at Jake. "It can't be a coincidence that you just happened to bump into our Commander here. Why do I get the feeling this isn't just a casual reunion?"

Jake laughed and threw his hands into the air. "You got me there, Sport. I did have an ulterior motive. See," He turned to Shepard, "I've been keeping tabs on you, Slim, ever since you went all official on me and joined the Alliance military. I need your help."

Kaidan was disgusted to see Shepard didn't look angry. In fact, she looked even more intrigued than before.

Jake continued, "Do you remember Finch? He's gotten himself into something big. Been thrown into the prison here in the Citadel."

"You want us to break him out?" Kaidan demanded. He rubbed the back of his neck in frustration and turned to Shepard. "We don't have time for this, Commander. What about Saren?"

Jake suddenly lost his amicable demeanor as he leaned towards Kaidan. "I'm not talking to you, Kid. I'm talking to Shepard here." Jake's voice turned dangerous. "Shepard doesn't need a bodyguard so back off."

_Did he just call me a kid?_

The unmistakable challenge in Jake's eyes rubbed Kaidan the wrong way. He felt his customary control slipping from his grasp as his biotics raged under his skin. He clenched his jaws to try to stop himself from doing anything stupid.

Then just as fast as it had vanished, Jake's grin suddenly reappeared. He smirked knowingly at Kaidan. "And if I'm not mistaken, she's your _superior _so stop acting like-"

Shepard slammed her fist onto the table. Her eyes turned flinty and her voice grew sharp. "Stick your dicks back into your pants, and stop this pissing contest right now."

Kaidan forced himself to relax. Jake was right. Shepard could take care of herself.

_So why am I acting like such an idiot?_

Shepard continued with an edge in her voice warning them not to argue, "The only thing Harkin could tell me was that Garrus was planning on swinging by the med clinic tomorrow morning at 0900 hour so there's nothing we can do until then." She turned to Williams and Kaidan. "I'm giving you both the opportunity to look the other way. This will not be an alliance sanctioned op so you're both dismissed. Wait on board the Normandy for further orders."


	8. Crush

Kaidan stared at his console without really seeing what was on it. He replayed the scene at Chora's Den in his mind's eye.

_Why am I acting like such an idiot?_

Battlefield flirtation was one thing but something about the Commander had gotten under his skin. Only once in his entire life had he ever gotten close to losing his control, and he had sworn that day never to let it happen again. But at Chora's Den, he was sure he would've taken out the entire bar if Shepard hadn't ordered him to stand down.

_Stick your dicks back into your pants, and stop this pissing contest right now._

He could hear the Commander's outraged voice even now. Kaidan was sure she knew how close he had been to losing it.

_Does she think I'm a total idiot?_

Kaidan didn't hear Williams approach him until he heard her clear her throat. He turned reluctantly towards her to see what she wanted.

"How are you holding up?" Williams asked. She cocked her head to one side and peered up into his face. Kaidan got the sense she was looking for something.

Kaidan grunted. He wasn't in the mood to chat.

Williams cleared her throat again. "Look, all the guys and, well, even the women on the Normandy agree the Commander is one fine representation of humanity. But they're all talk. You," She said pointedly, "seem to be getting a little serious."

"If you're alluding to the situation at Chora's Den, you're reading this the wrong way." Kaidan told her. "My gut told me Jake couldn't be trusted, and that's all it was."

"I see." Williams nodded a little too quickly. She pointed at his screen. "Then you're just pulling up Jake's record because of your...gut."

Kaidan was sure she had been about to say something else entirely. He powered down his console, and the screen went black. "Look Williams, while the Commander can pull rank and dismiss me, I intend to ensure nothing-'

Williams threw both hands up in the air in surrender, "OK, L-T. I was just trying to give you some friendly advice but I can see you're busy." She walked off whistling a jaunty tune.

Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief as Williams left him to his own thoughts. He wasn't sure how much he believed what he had told her. They were the same words he had repeatedly told himself but when said out loud, even he could tell how foolish he sounded.

"Just a school boy crush, Alenko." Kaidan muttered to himself. He respected the Commander and admired her. That was all.

His console pinged, and the screen in front of him flickered on. When he read through the report, his eyes widened in alarm.

**----  
From:** UNTRACEABLE

**Sent:** June 17, 2183 22:03 UT

**To:** Jake Marshall (.pub)

**Subject:** Shepard

I've spoken with Saren, and you're to take out the Commander by any means. She'll be docking at the Citadel at 1100 hours tomorrow. She's too wily to let any other agent get close. Once this job is complete, we'll discuss your payment.

-----

**From:** Jake Marshall (.pub)

**Sent:** June 18, 2183 01:03 UT

**To:** UNTRACEABLE

**Subject:** Re: Shepard

Confirmed. Will send proof as soon as job is completed.

-----

Fury exploded in his veins. For a split second, he lost control of his biotics, and his aura flared outward. Lights around him flickered until he managed to get a hold of himself. Rage dulled into a cold anger that simmered just under his skin. Kaidan checked to make sure he had his gun before spinning around intent on rushing back to the Citadel.

"Lieutenant!"

Kaidan rocked back on his heels in shock when he realized Commander Shepard had snuck up behind him. She was glaring at him ominously.

"Commander!" He sputtered. "Wha-"

"Do you make a habit of second guessing my orders, Lieutenant?" Shepard jerked her head towards his monitor, and frowned. The air between them seemed to chill despite the bright lamps at his station.

Not knowing what else to say, he repeated what he had told Williams, "With all due respect, ma'am. You're allowed to pull rank and dismiss me. But I needed to be certain that Jake was on the level."

"You were thinking of the mission."

"Yes, ma'am."

The Commander took a few seconds to mull this over in her mind. "You're good at your job, Lieutenant," She relented, "and I appreciate the foresight but next time, don't second guess my intentions."

"Yes, Commander." Kaidan saluted sharply. He was just glad to see she was OK.

"But your instincts are sharp," She allowed, "and you were right. Harkin didn't tell me anything about Garrus when I questioned him. He told me instead that there was a new player in town. As soon as I saw Jake. I knew it had to be him."

"You were very convincing, Command-"

"Jake was a fool," Shepard interrupted. "He had always been an arrogant bastard. I was young and naive back on Earth, and I thought he was my whole world. You'd be surprised by the number of women who mistake arrogance for confidence." She scowled and tapped her fingers against her leg in irritation.

Kaidan tried to picture Shepard young and naive but he had a hard time reconciling the image with the Commander who was standing in front of him. He hadn't known her for very long but he was already starting to learn that she was anything _but_ young and naive.

"But I left Earth," Shepard continued, "because I saw where my life would go if I had stayed with him. He taught me to survive no matter what, and I guess I learned that lesson well." Her voice trailed off. She didn't seem angry anymore but looked pensive instead as she stared off into the distance.

With vivid clarity, Kaidan remembered the way Shepard had kissed Jake. She hadn't been faking the passion in that embrace. Suddenly uncomfortable, Kaidan wondered if she was also reliving the same memory. He cleared his throat to draw her attention back to him. "Ever regret leaving, Commander?"

"No," Shepard answered firmly. "Being an N7 has taught me a few things. We have to make tough calls every single day, Alenko. If you start doubting yourself, you might as well shoot yourself before the enemies do it for you." A small smile hovered around her lips. "But that's not what you're really asking, is it?"

"I'm not sure..." Kaidan tried to dodge Shepard's question. Was he reading the situation properly? There was no way in hell he was going to complicate the chain of command but he was getting a pretty strong signal from her.

"Alenko," Shepard grunted when it became clear he wasn't going to complete his sentence, "if you have one failure, it's an inability to speak directly."

"I'm sorry, Commander." Kaidan felt a surge of confidence, and he smiled inwardly at her sudden prickliness. Jake suddenly seemed very far away. "I guess this was suppose to be a casual debrief, not a bull session about stuff that happened years ago. Do you make a habit of getting this personal with everyone?"

"I didn't say I did this for the whole crew." Shepard growled but her face softened imperceptibly. Kaidan felt an irrational urge to skim his thumb over the faint blush that spread across her cheek. A warmth spread throughout his chest.

Shepard cleared her throat and abruptly changed the subject. "Anyway, we got what we needed from Jake. I've contacted Udina, and we'll be meeting the Council in the morning."

Her abrupt tone snapped him out of his reverie.

_What am I thinking?_

The soldier in him wanted to salute as the Commander started to turn away but the man in him wanted her to stay. He must've made a sound because Shepard turned back with a questioning look in her eyes.

_What the hell is going on between us?_

"What happened to Jake?" He blurted out instead, mentally kicking himself for being such a coward.

"The first thing Jake ever taught me," Shepard's voice was so soft that Kaidan had to strain to hear her voice over the hum of the Normandy, "was to eliminate the enemy. And that's what I did."

Kaidan had to take a few moments to process what the Commander just told him. If he ever got himself backed into a corner with no way out, he'd want her on his side. She was a force to be reckoned with.

Saren didn't stand a chance.


	9. Awaken

Kaidan gave up trying to sleep.

The Commander had been driving the crew hard after the Council had granted her Spectre status. The Normandy had hopped from one system to another as Shepard followed lead after lead. They had destroyed countless Geth outposts, brought non-humans on board, and had seen more blood shed than they thought possible.

The crew was strained from the constant battles. They had been proud at first to serve under the first human Spectre but now they weren't sure. It didn't help that Shepard had invited aliens on board the Normandy. Not that he had a problem with them but he knew some of the crew resented the intrusion especially after the Commander's stirring speech on humanity's self-reliance.

It also didn't help that Shepard had accepted a couple of dubious assignments like selling information, helping crime lords, and murdering former alliance soldiers. Though they all had to admit that taking "unofficial" jobs were much more lucrative than your average run of the mill border patrols. Shepard paid them well above Alliance wages.

Kaidan could also tell that Shepard tried her best to keep them sharp by not forcing them to accompany her on multiple missions in a row. Kaidan rubbed his eyes wearily. Not that it helped him much. He still found himself too worried to relax completely when the Commander left the Normandy without him.

_God only knows the situations she puts herself in every chance she gets. _

They haven't had too much time together since their last chat, and he didn't push it even though he enjoyed being around her. He couldn't quite fathom why. He had never found himself attracted to women like her before. His tastes generally ran towards quieter ones who looked towards him for protection. And the Commander did not need him for anything.

_She's a hell of a woman. Adventurous and stubborn to a fault. _

And he had it bad.

"Lieutenant!" Joker's voice buzzed over the intercom. "There's a message coming in for you. I'll transfer it to the conference room."

Kaidan roused himself from his sleeping pod. When he stood in front of the display screen at the conference room. He notified Joker to patch the message through.

The screen lit up but static kept him from seeing any clear images. He listened instead as a woman's voice piped in through the speakers.

"Kaidan. You probably don't remember me but it's Rahna-"

Kaidan immediately paused the message while he tried to comprehend what he had just heard. Of course he remembered her. He even recognized her voice like it was only yesterday. The last time he had seen her was the day brain camp was shut down. Things had been chaotic but he had fought for a chance to see her, to see how she was. But she had been so afraid of him. He still remembered her shaking as she tried to avoid his eyes.

He thought he would never hear from her again.

"Kaidan. You probably don't remember me but it's Rahna. You must hate me but I'm in trouble."

The static on the screen cleared enough so that he could make out the outline of a woman though her features remained indistinguishable.

"I'm in trouble and only you can help me. Please. I'll send over my coordinates. I hope you can let me explain to you in per-"

The message stopped, and Joker's voice came through. "That's all we've got, Lieutenant, but I did receive the coordinates. It's on the Farinata System in the Hades Gamma Cluster. Not far from where we are."

"Joker, I need you to drop me off at those coordinates."

"Like hell you do," Joker scoffed. "You want to run this by Navigator Pressly first or did you just want to tell the Spectre herself that you're commandeering her ship?"

Kaidan thought fast. "She's authorized me to do scans of nearby planets. We'll tell her we found something of interest. I just went down to investigate."

"You want me to lie?" Joker seemed intrigued. "You don't need to ask twice!"

After clearing his departure with Pressly, Kaidan suited up and waited while Joker landed on a small planet on the edge of the Farinata System.

"I've transfered the coordinates to your HUD," Joker instructed him. "It should only be a couple of clicks away from where we are. Alert me when you're ready for pick up."

The door to the Normandy hissed open, and Kaidan walked outside. The temperature was boiling hot but his suit protected him from the extreme weather. The ground was brittle with an angry red hue.

The Normandy soared away and left him alone in the desolate landscape.

_What is Rahna doing here?_

Kaidan felt gravel crunch beneath his boots as he followed the beeping of his tracker. He noticed no life around him, and he began to wonder whether Rahna's coordinates could've been scrambled during the transmission.

Suddenly, something heavy was thrown over his head. Blind and barely able to breathe, he felt himself being wrestled to the ground as strange hands grabbed his weapons away. Kaidan was just about to lash out with his biotics when something hard encircled his neck. With a shock, he realized he could no longer feel the dark energy that constantly ran through his veins. Nausea overcame him and he retched. Something jabbed into his arm and almost immediately, he blacked out.


	10. Snatched

Kaidan wished he was still unconscious.

Having opened his eyes just a few seconds ago, he had to close them almost immediately as bright lights flooded his senses. The side of his head throbbed in protest, and spots swam across his eyes. He gasped as he felt the familiar gut wrenching pain of a migraine assault his senses.

_fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck_

Immobilized from the pain in his head, Kaidan barely heard the sound of a door sliding open nearby. He panted as he wrapped his arms around his head to keep himself from flying apart.

Suddenly, warm hands stroked his back and a soothing voice asked him to relax. Focusing on the voice like a drowning man clinging to a life raft, Kaidan felt the pain recede until only a dull ache throbbed at the base of his skull.

A cold compress was placed on his head.

"I'm sorry, Kaidan," A woman whispered in his ear.

He opened his eyes with a start when he realized he recognized the voice. Fifteen years had past since the last time he had seen her but the woman in front of him still looked extraordinarily beautiful. She stroked his face.

"I'm sorry," Rahna whispered again. "Please forgive me."

Kaidan struggled to sit up. "Rahna. Wha-"

"Don't talk, Kaidan," Rahna told him. "You need your rest." She touched his arm as if she couldn't believe he was sitting right in front of her. A small smile graced her lips before she turned away.

"Wait!" Kaidan stood up abruptly. He tried to reach for her but the room swam as he nearly blacked out. He collapsed back onto the bed. By the time his eyes could focus properly, she was gone.

He looked around in confusion. The small windowless room he was in contained no furniture aside from the cot he was sitting on. A small latrine took up space in the corner. There was a door on the opposite side of the room but from the looks of it, it was probably locked and bolted on the other side.

Kaidan stumbled to his feet, and discovered that his ankles were chained to the wall. His armor and weapon had disappeared, and the constant reassuring heat of his biotics was gone, leaving him cold and empty. Kaidan brought his hand up to the metallic choker around his neck, and realized with a shock that it was dampening his abilities. He furiously fumbled with the metal that encircled his throat and jerked the chains around his ankles as he tried to probe for a weakness.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." A man's voice suddenly buzzed through an invisible intercom in the room. "I assure you, they won't open. Not without a key at least."

"Who are you?" Kaidan shouted into the empty room. "Where am I? Where's Rahna?"

"I apologize for bringing you to our base in this manner, Lieutenant," The voice tried to reassure him. "We have nothing but respect for you and will release you when the time is right. If you would please have a seat on your cot, I will come in and explain."

When Kaidan sat back down on his bed, the door to his cell immediately opened and a man walked in. The stranger had an affable demeanor. He was well groomed, and his shoes looked recently polished. Kaidan noticed he stayed on the other end of the room far beyond his reach.

"Lieutenant," The man greeted him, "my name is Uliah. I represent a group of biotics seeking justice from the Alliance. We bare you no ill will since we consider you one of us."

Kaidan narrowed his eyes and growled. "What do you want from me?"

"Only justice," Uliah told him. "We seek reparations for what Conatix did to all of us. We want our voices heard, and the guilty parties punished. We tried to go through official channels but they refused to listen."

_Conatix?_

Kaidan reeled back when he heard the name of the company that had put him through hell. He had a suspicious feeling he knew what the man wanted.

"We are ransoming you in return for Commander Shepard's cooperation," Uliah continued when Kaidan didn't respond. "As a Spectre, she works outside the Alliance. And as a human, we hoped she would side with our cause. She has considerable pull in the government."

"Are you crazy?" Kaidan laughed at the man's audacity. "Shepard would never help you."

Uliah looked affronted as Kaidan continued to laugh. He coughed politely. "Please don't misunderstand me. We don't consider ourselves terrorists, and we do not want to hurt anyone. We merely want our stories told. Is that too much to ask?"

"Let me get this straight." Kaidan couldn't believe what he was hearing. "You expect her to drop everything she's doing to help you get revenge on a company that doesn't even exist anymore. I'm sorry to disappoint you but she's not going to show up. A Spectre has more important things to do."

"We don't want to harm you," Uliah continued matter-of-factly, "but we believe the threat of your death would serve as a compelling argument otherwise. We believe we would be able to encourage the Commander to assassinate Chairman Burns for us. In return, we would release you."

Kaidan sat back in bewilderment when he realized the man was dead serious. "I don't think you understand," He tried explaining again. "The Commander would never-"

Suddenly, Uliah's jacket pocket beeped. "If I may have one moment," He excused himself from their conversation as he pulled out a transmitter. "I will put this over the intercom so you may listen in, Lieutenant. After all, we'll mostly be speaking about you." With a cordial smile, he punched a couple of buttons on the transmitter before slipping it back into his pocket.

"Commander Shepard," Uliah acknowledged out loud, "I'm very glad you decided to get in touch with us. I trust you've been given a list of our demands?"

"Do you know who I am?" Shepard's voice broadcasted into the room. Her voice dripped with fury, and Kaidan noticed with interest that Uliah looked a little perturbed. "How dare you try to coerce me into getting involved with your petty politics."

"Please, Commander," Uliah implored her. "Let us keep a civil tone while we discuss this. We are loathe to commit murder but we will if that's what it takes. I'm sure the Lieutenant has told you about his trials on Jump Zero? Do you condone what was done to him by the Alliance?"

"This has nothing to do with the Lieutenant," Shepard hissed, "and everything to do with your sheer stupidity in threatening a Spectre."

"You misunderstand, Commander." Uliah tried to calm her down. "We are not threatening you. We're merely requesting your assistance in this matter."

"You're _requesting my assistance_ by kidnapping my Lieutenant?" Shepard sounded incredulous.

Kaidan bursted out laughing. He could imagine Shepard's facial expression during this ludicrous conversation.

Uliah lost his cool demeanor. He raised one hand and a jolt of electricity shot out towards Kaidan. But instead of frying him, the dark energy swelled as it surrounded his shoulder. Uliah twitched a finger, and Kaidan jerked as the energy contracted violently tearing the muscles in his arm. An agonizing pain swept over him as something popped. Kaidan screamed.

Silence filled the room as Uliah pulled himself back together. "I'm sorry I had to do that, Commander, but you need to know we're quite serious."

"You son of a bitch," Kaidan swore, panting from the pain. "Shepard will never aid your little band of renegade biotics. Do you hear me, Shepard?" He called out to her. "Don't come after me. Go after Saren!"

"That is a choice you will have to make, Commander," Uliah told her. "But I trust that you will make the correct one. We _will_ kill the Lieutenant if you do not deliver us the head of Chairman Burns in 48 hours."

Uliah turned off the telecom and gave Kaidan a sorrowful look. "I apologize for what happened. I detest making threats but you forced my hand. I hope your Commander pulls through for you."

With that being said, Uliah walked out of the room, and the heavy door slammed shut behind him.


	11. Reunion

Kaidan guessed it had been nearly 48 hours since Uliah had spoken with Shepard. They had sent in a medic to take care of his shoulder, and Rahna had faithfully visited him throughout the two days. He was able to mark the passage of time by the food she brought him. Each time, Rahna would stay and reminisce with him until it was time for her to go.

During one visit, she had tearfully told him she had fallen in with the biotics soon after brain camp disbanded. "I had nowhere else to go, Kaidan." Her voice had been hesitant as she described how her family had not wanted her back after the incident on Jump Zero. Her rich Turkish family had bought the lies Conatix had fed them, and they were convinced she was too dangerous to live with them. "I found a place here where I could be safe."

Each time Rahna came to see him, Kaidan had carefully prodded her with questions under the guise of getting to know her better. Without suspecting anything, Rahna had happily told him what he needed to know about the commune and its residents.

About two dozen biotics followed Uliah. Most of them L2s but there were a few L3-Rs mixed in. The commune had two separate wings. He was located on the east side along with the armory, and the south side contained a docking station with a small emergency shuttle. His cell was under surveillance but Rahna had reassured him that no one would be able hear them.

Most importantly, he found out the choker he wore was modeled after the ones used at brain camp. Vyrnnus had used them as a form of control and punishment but Kaidan had always had a knack for electronics. He had quickly figured out how to disengage the biotic dampening mechanism without his instructors knowing, and much preferred wearing the choker over other forms of punishments Vyrnnus had inflicted upon them. The one he wore now was more sophisticated but he was confident he could figure out how to disable it once he was safely off the planet.

Kaidan remembered Rahna had slipped a hand into his during their last visit. Her voice had been soft as she had told him about life after brain camp. "I never forgot you, Kaidan. I've thought about you many times, and I was wrong to turn away after what happened to Vyrnnus."

While she was as beautiful as he remembered, seeing her again after all these years made him realize he had placed her on a pedestal. As a young man, he thrilled at being her protector because he had fallen in love with the way she made him feel. She was like the fragile porcelain statue his mother had never let him touch but instead, had placed on display. Its fragility had made it all the more fleeting, more beautiful.

He hadn't been able to respond the way she wanted him to. Maybe once upon a time, he would've said the right thing but an image of Shepard flashed before his eyes. He wanted very badly to see her again, to hear her bark her commands at him, to see her indomitable spirit burn bright as she conquered the galaxy and fought back the darkness through sheer force of her will.

Rahna had been distraught when he pulled himself away from her. Her eyes had silently filled with tears but he didn't stop her as she ran out of his cell. She had given him all the information he needed, and he didn't need her anymore.

The sound of his cell door opening jerked him away from his thoughts. A pair of guards walked into the room and motioned for him to stand.

"Is it time?" Kaidan asked.

"It's still early," One of the guards told him. "But Uliah wanted everything to be ready in time for the Commander's appearance."

Kaidan scoffed internally. He knew Shepard wouldn't come for him but nothing he said to these zealots mattered.

One of the guards bent down to unlock his chains. Kaidan tensed, and as soon as both legs were free, he clenched his fist and swung it at the guard. Kaidan felt the bones on the guard's face shatter. The second guard raised his gun in alarm but before he could fire, Kaidan pushed him hard. They fell awkwardly, and their guns clattered to the floor. Kaidan swooped down to pick up their guns, and without any hesitation, he fired and killed both guards.

Suddenly, an alarm began blaring throughout the building. Kaidan didn't wait to see who was coming after him. He ran out of the room and dashed down the hallway towards the docking station. He had one chance. If he could hijack the shuttle, he would find his way out of this god-forsaken place for help.

Footsteps pounded behind him, and Kaidan ducked as a bolt of blue lightening shot past him. He turned around, raised his gun, and shot the enemy guard between the eyes.

Two more biotics came running around the corner, and Kaidan tensed as they raised their guns. But their aim went wide when a large explosion shook the entire building. Kaidan shot both of them before they could recover.

The explosion had come from the direction of the docking bay. He heard the sound of distant gunfire. Another explosion shook the building.

_What the hell?_

Kaidan ran towards the sound of gunfire praying nothing had happened to the shuttle. He turned the corner and came upon what looked like mass chaos tearing apart a large assembly room. Amidst the hail of gunfire, a massive uncontrolled bolt of dark energy suddenly flooded the room, burning everything in its path. Kaidan could feel its raging heat even from where he was standing. He reeled at the thought such immense power.

_What the hell is going on? _

Someone dashed out from behind a crate, and Kaidan saw all the other biotics focus their fire at the slight figure. He frowned when he recognized the way the figure ran. His eyes widened when he realized it was Shepard. Incredulous, he watched as she released another giant swirling ball of energy towards the biotics.

_But Shepard wasn't a biotic!_

He thought fast. There was only one way a non-biotic could manipulate dark energy. He swore. She must've taken a heavy dose of red sand. Kaidan had been briefed on the addictive drug back at brain camp, and he had met a couple of addicts since then.

_Forget moving things with their minds, they had enough trouble keeping themselves from breaking their own limbs!_

Most of them had ended up dying as they lost control and blew themselves to pieces.

Suddenly one of the biotics saw him, and they shouted at their companions to fire. Kaidan ducked behind a crate as gunfire blasted towards him.

"Kaidan!" He heard the Commander roar as she let loose another uncontrolled stream of energy. He took the opportunity to fire his gun at one of the biotics who had tried to leap out of the way. The other biotics flew into the air as crates exploded left and right.

Kaidan took advantage of the brief lull as the biotics tried to reorganize themselves. He dashed out into the open and managed to reach Shepard just as another round of gunfire pelted them. As he hunkered down beside her, his mind recoiled from the dark energy spilling out of her very being. The dampening agent around his neck kept most of it at bay but his senses tingled in response to the sheer amount of power emanating from her.

He clamped a hand on her shoulder. Even through her armor, he could feel the unnatural heat emanating from her very being. "Shepard, listen to me!" He shouted over the gunfire. "You have to stop."

She shrugged his hand away, and shot another bolt of energy at the biotics.

"Stop!" Kaidan grabbed her wrist and spun her around until she faced him. "You need to stop. Now."

Shepard's pupils grew increasingly dilated as she fought him. Kaidan felt the energy around her buck and spasm. He watched in horror as a muddy blue aura surrounded her. The air crackled, and the hair on the back of his arms stood up as her electricity licked his skin.

At that moment, he saw a flash of movement behind Shepard. By now, the biotics had rallied together and had approached the crate without their notice. He raised his gun and shot two before they realized they had been seen. He felt another two approach him from behind, and he instinctually tried to throw up a mass effect shield. But the choker tightened, and he blanched as it sent a mind numbing bolt of electricity down his spine. When he faltered, Shepard didn't hesitate as she raised her hand to cover him with her own hastily erected shield. The biotics let loose a round of gunfire but the bullets ricocheted off the energy barrier. Shepard shook as she fought to maintain her concentration. Before it could collapsed, Kaidan spun around and shot the biotics.

More troops ran towards them. Kaidan caught Shepard's eyes, and she nodded grimly as they turned back to back to cover each other while their enemies attacked. Kaidan fired his gun without thinking, relying on his instincts. He felt Shepard decimate the biotics behind him with blasts of energy.

Between the two of them, all the biotics were soon dead.

Kaidan holstered his pistol and surveyed the damage. The walls were black with soot, and bodies lay in heaps throughout the room. He nudged a couple of them with his boot to make sure they were dead.

"Anyone you know?" Shepard walked up behind him. She had retained some semblance of control over her drug-induced biotics, and he felt only a subtle hum as her aura nudged his mind.

"No," Kaidan told her truthfully. Rahna lay crumpled up in a corner, and a couple of other faces looked familiar. They had been close once on Jump Zero but he didn't know them anymore.

Suddenly, he realized the body he was staring blankly at belonged to Uliah. The man lay on the floor with a gaping wound in his chest. Kaidan bent down to rummage through the man's pockets, hoping he would find what he needed. Cold metal touched his finger tips, and Kaidan smiled with satisfaction as he pulled a key out of his pocket.

As Shepard watched, he inserted the key into his choker. When he heard the latch click, Kaidan tore the metal from his throat and threw it to the floor with a grunt of satisfaction. Pins and needles pricked him as he felt the warm reassurance of his biotics returning to him.

Suddenly, a wave of intense rage exploded from Shepard's direction and slammed into him. Kaidan's head shot up in alarm, and he saw Shepard eyeing his neck with a perturbed expression on her face. Scowling, she stepped forward and touched the part of his neck that had been covered by the choker before. He winced. The metal had chafed away part of his skin.

"It will heal." He tried to reassure her, to calm her, as the anger in the air continued to grow. Without the protection of the choker, Kaidan reeled at the intensity of her feelings. She was angry at what they did to him and so angry he had nearly died.

Kaidan paused when he felt something else hidden beneath all the rage. Curious, he let his aura slowly bleed into hers. His eyes widened when he saw himself through her eyes. There was respect and admiration for him as a soldier but he was astounded to feel a hum of desire underneath it all. She had felt just as drawn to him from day one as he had for her.

The connection suddenly broke. When Shepard realized what he was doing, she instinctively tried to withdraw, to erect the barriers she always had around her. She turned away from him, and her shoulders stiffened.

"I'm sorry," Kaidan apologized and pulled himself back. "I didn't mean to-"

He mentally kicked himself. Privacy was a luxury when two biotics were in the same room with each other, and they all learned at an early age how to properly shield themselves. But even when there were dozens of biotics in the room with them, he had never been so aware of another person as he was of her.

He wanted to reassure her, to let her know she wasn't the only one who felt this way. He'd had enough of the complicated dance they'd been performing since they had first met but he wouldn't force her. He would be there for her when she decided she was ready. He would wait. For her, he would wait.

Gently, Kaidan lowered his own shields so she could feel him if she chose to. He gave her complete access to his thoughts and feelings, and hoped she would realize how much he respected and admired her. That he would never hurt her.

Shepard slowly turned around when she felt everything he was trying to say to her. When she realized he wasn't making any demands from her, a smile flickered over her lips. She stepped closer to him.

Mesmerized by what he saw in her eyes, Kaidan raised a hand to brush away a smudge of soot on her cheek. He couldn't help but feel how unnaturally hot her skin was. He frowned. She was burning up from the drug that raced through her veins. He wanted to scoop her up into his arms and take her back to the Normandy but a soft sigh escaped her lips. Shepard turned her head to place a kiss into his palm, and any lingering concern he had for her health flew out of his head. Kaidan tentatively touched her lips with his finger.

"Are you sure?" Kaidan gritted his teeth and stoically stared passed Shepard's shoulder. He knew his self-restraint would crumble fast if he allowed himself to recognize the not-so-subtle invitation in her eyes. "There are regs-"

"Shut up, Alenko," Shepard pulled him towards her with a growl.

He had wanted to kiss her ever since he had met her on board the Normandy, and as his lips met hers, he tried to convey to her everything he had wanted to say over the past few weeks. When he felt her lips part in invitation, heat surged through him. He felt her respond as she molded her body against his. When their auras intertwined, Kaidan realized with a shock he could feel everything she felt. She had lowered her shields and had chosen to be completely defenseless with him. He reveled at the sensation of being so close to her.

He wanted to feel her warmth, to sink deep enough into her embrace that they would both forget about saving the galaxy. But he knew nothing more could come of this until they finally finished what they had set out to do on Eden Prime.

Kaidan groaned and pulled away from her. He rested his forehead against hers. "You're something else, Shepard. I don't think I've ever met a woman like you."

Shepard chuckled. It was the same husky laugh he had heard at Chora's Den on the Citadel. "I bet you say that to all your commanding-"

Her words broke off as her body suddenly seized up, and panic slammed into Kaidan's gut. He watched helplessly as Shepard's hands clenched against him, and sweat beaded her brow. He felt her aura contract without warning then expand violently as she fought against the drug. Her knees buckled, and Kaidan lifted her into his arms as her body began to shake.

The drug that rang through her veins raged out of control. He could feel the heat of the red sand burning up as her body cried out for another dose. Despite how much he hated seeing her this way, there was no way in hell he would comply.

"How much did you take?" Kaidan yelled at her. "What the hell were you thinking?" He had to consciously keep himself from shaking her in anger. Her reaction to the drug had hit her much too fast, too hard, and he suspected she had taken too much. He frantically tried to sooth the raging energy that radiated from her by blanketing her with his own cool aura. If he could keep her drug induced biotics under control, she would stay alive long enough for the red sand to run through its course.

"Normandy," Kaidan paged Joker from Shepard's intercom. He tried to keep his voice steady despite the panic that nearly choked him.

"Boy am I glad to hear you!" Joker said by way of greeting him. "You had us all worried, L-T."

"I'll explain later, Joker. But you'll need to bring down the ship as fast as you can. Notify Dr. Chakwas to stand by."

Joker didn't hesitate. "I'll be there on the double."


	12. Broken

"You should've seen her face during that ransom call." Joker laughed as he carefully eased himself onto a chair in the mess hall. "If Uliah had been in front of her, I'm sure she would've tore him apart with her bare hands."

Kaidan looked up from his plate. He debated whether or not he should respond but the grumbling in his belly made his decision for him. Kaidan shoveled more food into his mouth instead.

The last 12 hours had been rough. Dr. Chakwas had kept him close by as the Commander's fever had spiked over and over again. While the doctor had worked for hours to keep the Commander's heart beating, Kaidan had to use his biotics repeatedly to keep Shepard from blowing up the entire ship. Together, they had managed to get her through the worst of it, and Shepard had finally fallen asleep as the last of the drug burned out of her system.

Despite his protests, Chakwas had kicked him out of her med clinic with a stern order to immediately get some food into his starving body. He had nearly tapped out his reservoir of energy, and he needed the calories to replenish his strength. His throbbing head put him in a worse mood as he eyed Joker's grin.

"Seriously L-T," Williams chimed in, "we're glad you're back." She placed another platter of food in front of him. Kaidan didn't have the energy to do more than grunt his thanks as he focused his attention on refilling his plate. Chakwas wouldn't let him back into the med clinic until his blood sugar and electrolytes were back to normal.

"Anyway," Joker continued his story, "Commander Shepard went after Chairman Burns with a vengeance. The poor guy didn't stand a chance and neither did any of his guards."

"Needless to say, the Council was extremely infuriated with her," added Williams.

"Now, that was a fun conversation to overhear." Joker laughed.

Their words finally registered through the ache in Kaidan head. "She took the time to meet Uliah's demands? The way she barreled into the compound...it was obvious she wasn't going to let anyone survive."

"She was buying you time," Williams explained. "We had to look like we were going to comply with their demands while she tried to get her hands on enough red sand to make a difference."

"Why?" Kaidan growled into his plate. He couldn't get the image of Shepard's near brush with death out of his mind. She had nearly died because of the drug.

"They told her to come alone and unarmed..." Joker's voice trailed off thoughtfully. "I guess she didn't want anyone to get it into their heads that they can just blackmail a Spectre and get away with it."

Kaidan noticed Williams kept her mouth shut. When he saw the speculative look in her eyes, his ears started to grow hot, and his mouth dried up. It was clear she suspected something was going on between him and the Commander. Williams was way too perceptive for her own good.

Williams grinned at him and shook her head in response to his unasked question. She knew but she wouldn't say anything. Kaidan raised an eyebrow at her wide smile, and she tossed her hair back. Regulations be damned, she seemed to say. She winked at him. She thought it was sweet.

"As if being sand-blasted wasn't enough, she also put a bomb in the Chairman's decapitated head," Joker continued, oblivious to their wordless conversation. "Then we saw her march right into the compound without hesitating."

Williams turned towards Joker, and she shook her head in amazement. "I'm starting to see why the Council made her a Spectre. Even from the Normandy, we could see all hell had broken loose almost as soon as she disappeared inside."

Kaidan nodded. "She was amazingly strong and controlled for a non-biotic. I've never seen anything like it."

"She was pissed." Joker told him matter-of-factly. "I'm sure the anger helped."

Anger _did _help. Kaidan had learned that early on in brain camp. Even though he had only been seventeen, he had managed a full biotic kick straight into Vyrnnus' teeth when he could barely manage to pick up a glass of water without breaking his nose. He remembered the anger that had been boiling beneath the surface spill over when Vyrnnus had broken Rahna's arm. When Vyrnnus had come at him with a military issued Talon, fear overrode his anger, and before he knew it...

Shocked, Kaidan dropped his fork. He suddenly realized with complete clarity that Shepard hadn't been angry at the biotics for kidnapping him.

She had been _afraid_ to lose him.

Kaidan swallowed hard. He had mistaken her fear for anger back in the compound. He had been so bewildered to find that she _wanted_ him the same way he wanted her that he hadn't questioned her actions.

Was she so afraid to lose him that she would sacrifice her own life for his?

This wasn't just a battlefield flirtation. For either of them. He would've done the same for her, and it wasn't because she was his Commander.

He had only known her for several months but he felt as if he had known her forever. When he was by her side, no matter what was going on, the world felt right. He wasn't just in love with her, he _belonged_ with her. He knew wherever she went, he would follow for as long as she wanted him around.

But if their coming mission was as crucial as he thought it would be, there was a good chance she wouldn't survive. Not if her judgement was going to be clouded by the feelings that were developing between them. She had beaten the odds over and over again because she hadn't been afraid to go all out, to utilize her troops, to complete the mission. If she held back just for half a second...

Kaidan's hands shook at the thought. He tried to remember what he had felt at the compound. He had felt her desire for him, that he could remember all too clearly. But he had also sensed something akin to confusion lurking underneath it all.

So perhaps she hadn't realized yet the reasoning behind her actions. Maybe she truly did believe that she had been making an example out of the biotic extremists.

Which meant there might still be a chance. He could push her away at least until this whole thing was through. He had to stay away from her so they could both do their jobs. The galaxy was counting on them. Her life was counting on it. He would gladly sacrifice everything to keep her safe but he could only do it by making her believe there was nothing between them.

He pushed his chair back from the table and stood up abruptly. The chair fell onto the floor with a loud clatter but he barely noticed. Before Williams or Joker could ask him what was wrong, he left the mess hall and stalked past the medical clinic doors without stopping.

She would be fine without him.

She would live without him.


	13. Noise

"It's true. I don't expect many of us to make it out alive," Captain Kirrahe blinked his wide eyes at Commander Shepard as he spoke, "and that's what makes my next request even harder. I need one of your men to accompany me to help coordinate the teams."

Kaidan thought fast. He had been nothing but coldly professional to Shepard after she recovered. She had tried to speak with him about what had happened at the compound but he had dropped some not-so-subtle hints about his feelings towards sand-blasted non-biotics. Then he told her he didn't want to take up any more of her time. Shepard had looked slightly taken aback but her eyes had narrowed at him in irritation before she walked away.

"I don't make a habit of placing my people under someone else's command." Shepard's angry words snapped him out of his thoughts. Kaidan tensed. Was she expressing a Commander's ire at having her troops taken away from her? Or was she resisting the logic behind Kirrahe's words because of something else entirely?

"No," Kaidan interrupted her conversation with Kirrahe, "he's right. We can't do this without both teams at their best. I volunteer."

Shepard turned towards him. Her eyes were unreadable as she wordlessly stared at him. Did she think he wanted nothing more than to get away from her?

"Not so fast L-T," Williams broke in, "Commander Shepard will need you to arm the nuke. I'll go with the salarians." Her face looked annoyed at being left out of the conversation.

"With all due respect, Gunnery Chief," Kaidan gritted his teeth in frustration, "it's not your place to decide."

Williams heard the irritation under his words, and when anger flared in her eyes, Kaidan realized she thought his bad mood was directed at her. "Why is it that whenever someone says 'with all due respect'," Williams snapped, "they really mean 'kiss my ass'?"

Kaidan was about to reply when he felt Shepard shift her weight in irritation. Her biotics had disappeared long ago but Kaidan could swear he still felt a glimmer of the aura that had emanated from her before. It bothered him that he was still so aware of her no matter how he fought to control himself. He hoped she couldn't sense him the same way.

Shepard's eyes turned a darker hue as she eyed both him and Williams. He watched in disguised fascination as her anger grew. She was wondering why the hell they were second guessing her decision.

"This is my decision," Shepard thundered at them. Her lips pursed together, and her chin lifted just a notch.

Williams looked suitably chastised but Kaidan hardened himself before meeting the Commander's gaze insolently. She could formally reprimand him and throw him off the Normandy for his disobedience.

She met his gaze for a split second before she turned towards Williams. "You'll accompany the Captain. No heroics, understood?"

_Damn it._

Williams saluted before throwing Kaidan a smug look as Shepard turned back to Kirrahe.

Kirrahe nodded his head, seemingly oblivious to the tension in the air. "I'll have the ordinance loaded onto the Normandy and brief your crew on the detonation."

Shepard readied her gun as she prepared to move out. "Whatever happens, just keep shooting," She instructed Kaidan. "We go in hard, hit 'em harder, and we'll be the only damn things coming out the other side."

Kaidan made a point of saluting. He let his eyes glaze over as if disinterested in her attempt to give him a pep talk. He thought he saw a glimmer of hurt flash through her eyes but she turned around too quickly for him to be sure. She squared her shoulders and signaled with her hands.

_Move out. _


	14. Sacrifice

"Careful." Kaidan warned the crew as they maneuvered their way through a shallow river at the center of Saren's research facility. The men slowed their pace. None of them wanted to drop the heavy nuke.

Kaidan adjusted his grip and guided the crew closer to the geothermal taps. Once they were far enough away from the Normandy, the crew lowered the nuke onto the ground. Water droplets splashed onto Kaidan's face offering him some cool respite from the hot and humid air.

Knee deep in water, Kaidan crouched to get a closer look at the nuke. As the rest of the crew hastily retreated back to the Normandy, Kaidan pried open the metallic panel and tried to make sense of the multitude of wires that spilled from the opening. The alien drive system was unfamiliar to him but Captain Kirrahe's instructions had been clear and precise. Before long, Kaidan felt confident enough to reach into the mess of wires to begin arming the nuke.

From the corner of his eye, he could see Shepard pacing from side to side. Her gun was out, and she watched the nearby doors with such intensity that he knew she expected hostiles to come pouring through them at any moment. Her sense of urgency drove him to move even faster. Sweat dotted his brow as he unclipped wires and reconnected others.

"Commander, can you hear me?" Kaidan suddenly heard Williams' voice buzz through the intercom. Off in the distance, he heard the sound of gun fire and bombs being detonated. From the sound of things, the geth were getting closer.

"Get to the rendezvous point," Shepard ordered Williams. "The nuke is almost ready."

"Negative, Commander," Williams argued. "The geth have us pined down at the AA tower."

Shepard frowned. Her brows furrowed as she recalculated a new exit strategy in her head. "Hold tight." Shepard barked into the intercom. "We're coming to get you."

"Negat-" Williams voice broke off.

"Williams! Do you copy?" Static crackled in Kaidan's intercom as they waited for her to respond. Kaidan caught Shepard's eye, and the two of them shared a grim look at the silence on the other end of the line.

"Captain Kirrahe is dead." Williams voice suddenly boomed in both their ears. Her voice was breathless, and they heard gunfire through the intercom. "I repeat. Captain Kirrahe is dead. You'll never make it in time. Just make sure the nuke is set. We'll hold them off--""

They heard another round of gunfire before her intercom cut off.

Shepard cursed and spun towards him. "How much longer do you need?"

"Just a couple more minutes." Kaidan knew what she was planning, and he approved. He saw the look on her face before she ran off, and he nearly felt sorry for the geth who would soon be facing one irate Spectre. The cold fury that emanated from her was classic Shepard, and he marveled at the determination and confidence that drove her to face an army of geth on her own. He shuddered and tried not to think how fragile her life really was, Spectre or not.

Kaidan shook his head and bent his head over the nuke. Shepard could take care of herself. All she needed him to do right now was to arm the nuke, and he wouldn't let her down. He clipped the final two wires and connected them to the makeshift detonator device the salarians had provided him.

The nuke was armed. Kaidan wiped the sweat off his brow, and his fingers grazed the pistol that sat on his hip for reassurance. He did his part. Now, as long as Shepard could get Williams, they'd make it out in time.

_...helm of the dreadnaught that killed your..._

Kaidan's head jerked up in alarm. He shot up onto his feet and looked around in shock. Had he just heard the voice of old general Vyrnnus? He quickly surveyed his surroundings but found nothing out of the ordinary.

_...vanguard of destru..._

The voice sounded close by but this time, instead of the deep baritone voice of Vyrnnus, it had morphed into the metallic tones of Sovereign. Was he hearing things? Had the ghostly image of the Reaper upset him more than he'd thought?

Kaidan shook his head to clear his brain but the voice didn't disappear. Instead, it dropped to a hollow whisper.

_...youdon'tserveaslongasIhavewithoutcomingtotermswithyourselfbeautifulbutnotstuckupaboutitlikeyousignalsyouareresomethingelseyouknowthat..._

The whispers came faster. The words dripped with growing exaltation as it whipped itself into a frenzy. Kaidan's head began to throb, and he realized with shock that the voices were coming from his own mind. He clutched his head as the words came around and around again. What was happening? His heart pounded in fear as images flashed before his eyes. He was suddenly remembering all the minute details of Shepard. Her walk, her smile. The way she had stood by the windows of the Normandy peering out into the void of space. The way she confidently maneuvered the MAKO over the snowy terrain on Xawin. The way she had torn through the commune to get to him.

_...beautifulbeautifuliwantyoutobemylookingforwardtoshoreleavegladyouwillbeherewhenitisalloverSpectreSpectrerespectlike..._

Icy cold fear dripped down his spine when he suddenly realized that something alien was sifting through his memories of Shepard. It poured through his thoughts and went through his mind leaving a blazing trail of pain in its wake.

The voices were identifying Shepard's weaknesses and strengths.

The voices were finding out how to destroy her.

"No," He gasped and tried to shut them out but the whispers erupted into a chorus of high-pitch wails. Pain flooded his senses, and Kaidan fell to his hands and knees. His breath whooshed in and and out of his chest as his heart fluttered from the strain of the assault.

Was this Sovereign? He thought he'd heard the same ominous whispers inside the breeding facility where the captive salarians were held. He'd just thought the whispers were part of some insidious scheme to drive the salarians mad. But if this was Sovereign...

Kaidan wrestled with the voices in his mind. Years of training as a biotic gave him an edge as he forced his mind to shut them out. For a moment, the pain receded, and Kaidan was able to heave himself back onto his feet. The whispers were still there at the edge of his consciousness, and his vision blurred as he fought to hold onto the barriers in his mind. He knew he wouldn't be able to remain conscious for much longer.

_The nuke! _

He had to activate the bomb. Shepard should be close to Williams by now. As long as Joker could pick them up in time, they'd be able to leave Virmire before the nuke detonated.

"Head's up, L-T," Williams voice on the intercom nearly broke through his concentration. "We just saw a geth ship arriving. It's heading your way."

_Saren's on his way._

Kaidan knew he had to move fast. Sovereign must've warned Saren about the nuke. He clenched his teeth as the voices slammed into his mind, trying to overwhelm him. He gritted his teeth and forced himself to blink back the darkness.

Air whooshed around him, and he rocked backward as water churned around his legs. He looked up and squinted through the brightness of the noon sky. While he had been fighting the insidious presence in his head, the geth ship had landed nearly on top of him.

Kaidan swore as he threw himself behind a large pillar and drew out his pistol. The voices grew louder. "The ship's already here." Kaidan swallowed hard to calm the tremors in his throat before he continued speaking into the intercom. "There's geth pouring out all over the bomb site."

"Can you hold them off?" Shepard demanded.

"There's too many. There's no time." Kaidan managed to gasp out while lights flickered over his vision. He tasted blood in his mouth. "I'm activating the bomb. Get Williams, and get out."

"What the hell are you doing, Alenko?"

"Making sure this bomb goes off no matter what." With a curse, Kaidan reached up and shut off the intercom before Shepard could give him an official order to stand down.

He dropped his pistol and staggered to the nuke. Despite the wild shrieking in his ears, he forced his hands to press the activation code Kirrahe had given him. When his fingers collided with the last button, large red numbers flashed on the screen. It began to count down.

He'd done it.

The nuke was activated, and Kirrahe had assured him that the drive system was pretty much impervious to damage from external sources. Nothing could stop the nuke from detonating now. Fierce exultation surged through his veins as he mentally gloated to the voices in his head.

There was just one thing left to do.

He'd rather die than give Sovereign any information that would harm Shepard. As if they knew what he was planning to do, the voices growled and fought him as he struggled to reach for the pistol lying on the ground. Despite his best efforts, he felt his consciousness begin to recede into the blackness...

"Kaidan!" Shepard voice pulled him back. Pain slammed into his senses as he felt her shake him. His whole body ached, but the voices were gone. Shepard called his name again. Was she hurt? He couldn't let that happen. He would protect her, save her. He had to reassure her that he was fine. But before he could summon up the strength to tell her with words, something wrenched inside him. His last thought before he succumbed to the darkness was that he would never complain about his migraines again.


	15. Empty

As Kaidan groped his way towards consciousness, the first thing he felt was the familiar sturdiness of the med clinic bed underneath him. He opened his eyes and recognized the ceiling of the Normandy. But if he was alive and back on the ship...

_...then Ashley's dead..._

There was no way Shepard would've had time to save both of them, and she had chosen to come back for him.

Kaidan wasn't naive. He had lost soldiers before under his command. Death came hand-in-hand with being in the military. The faces of Rahna, Vyrnnus, and even Jenkins flashed before his mind's eye. But William's death was personal. He had killed her, as surely as if he had shot her in the back with his gun.

The room swam around him, and despite his throbbing head, Kaidan struggled to sit up. He hadn't pushed Shepard away fast enough, and now, Williams was dead.

Something rustled in the bed adjacent to him, and Kaidan realized he wasn't alone.

"I'm the best goddamn pilot in the navy, and I couldn't fly fast enough." Joker's eyes were open, and he stared blankly at the ceiling. "You never know how much time you have, do you?" Joker murmured to himself. A twisted smile flashed across his face without any humor.

Kaidan remained silent.

"The Commander gave the order." Joker struggled to make sense of what happened. "I thought I had misunderstood the com chatter, that Shepard had pulled some kind of miracle out of her ass, that Williams would be waiting by the facility. But when I pulled away to take us out of the blast radius, I realized something didn't add up. I think I must've gone a little crazy at that point because I got up too fast. Broke my legs in three different places."

_She didn't have to die._

"She didn't have to die." Kaidan managed to choke out.

Joker turned his head away and murmured so softly Kaidan had to strain to hear his voice. "But she did."

"I'm sorry." His apology sounded hollow and insignificant so he shut his mouth.

There was nothing else to say.


	16. Eternity

Kaidan stood in front of Shepard's door. It was late but the events over the last few days made it hard for everyone on the Normandy to sleep. They were headed to Ilos on a mission to certain death. While Shepard had given the crew a chance to stay on the Citadel, no one could abandon her, not knowing what they did about the Reapers.

What had happened on Virmire could never happen again. He knew, without a doubt, that Williams would still be alive if it wasn't for him. He had to harden himself for what he would tell her tonight. He had to make it clear there was nothing between them so she would walk away. She had to be at her best to stand a chance of surviving their upcoming battle against the Reapers.

Kaidan knocked. When he heard her respond, he opened the door and walked in. The room was dark, and it took a while for his eyes to adjust to the only source of light in the room. Shepard had been reviewing what records they had of Ilos, and a large map was laid out on her brightly lit console screen. She jotted something down on her data pad before she turned her attention to him.

"Kaidan." Her eyes were tired. As she stood up, her movements were slow, and her shoulder's slumped as if the weight of the world was on them. Kaidan knew if it had been anyone else but him, Shepard would've hid her weariness behind a facade of authority. "I want to talk about what happened. With Williams."

His throat dried up as an image of Jokers' broken body flashed before his eyes. When he could find his voice again, it came out harsher than he had planned. "After this mission, I'm going to put in a request to transfer out of your command. I've pretended to be interested but I can't anymore. There's nothing between us."

"There's _nothing_ between us?" Shepard inhaled sharply as fury turned her cheeks a bright pink. She clenched her fists to her side and stalked towards him. "Don't treat me like a child. I know exactly what you're doing, Alenko. You're trying to protect me from something I don't need protection from."

"You don't understand." Kaidan reeled back at the sheer intensity of her anger but he had to see this through.

"I'll tell you what I don't understand," Shepard thundered at him. "You hold yourself back from everything! I've seen the way you operate. I've read your files. You're so damn afraid of letting yourself go, you've forgotten how to live. We're living on borrowed time here, Kaidan. We put our lives in danger every single day. How can you not accept that? You can't be afraid of the future, of what will come. So don't you dare try to protect me from what I know will happen one day. Don't you dare tell me I don't understand. I understand everything perfectly. I'm beginning to think I understand more than you."

"Maybe that's the difference between us," Kaidan growled.

"Bullshit." Shepard growled right back. "To do what we have to do, we have to know our lives are inconsequential. I have to succeed because every day that I'm alive is the reward I get for doing my job. So I'm not going to sit around worrying about what might be because I may never get the chance to see it happen."

"I don't know if I can live that wa-"

"-back at the biotic compound, I saw something different. You didn't hold back, you weren't afraid of doing what you had to do. When I saw you rush in with your guns blazing, I suddenly knew that if I hadn't come after you that you would've found your way back to me." Shepard flicked out a finger and tapped his chest to emphasize her point. "And isn't it interesting that you only committed yourself when your biotics were gone?"

"What does that have to do with anythin-"

"You think you're a monster! What happened to Vyrnnus was not your fault. When people shun you because you're a biotic, it's not your fault."

"It's _my _fault Williams died!" Kaidan roared. Anger exploded inside him. "She _died_ because of me. Because of us."

"No," Shepard hissed. She looked like she was on the verge of punching him. "She died because of Saren."

"She died because you had to make a choice," Kaidan snapped. Forget making her think there was nothing between them, if she couldn't walk away, he would force her to. He would get her to see what he was trying to tell her. "You chose me. Why? Why me, why not her?"

The anger left Shepard as suddenly as it had come. Tears welled into her eyes, and her voice trembled. "I'm sorry, Kaidan," She whispered, "but I'd never leave you behind. I couldn't, you know that."

The despair in her voice echoed through him. She was starting to understand. "That's exactly what I'm talking about," He told her softly. "How can anyone follow your command from now on knowing that if the choice came down to us or them, you'd always choose us? The crew will fall apart and then what will we do? Just let Saren win? How can I be with you knowing I would've made the same choice? You talk about our lives being inconsequential so why can't you kill the thought of us? How can we be together knowing we would both sacrifice the entire galaxy for this?"

Shepard's face twisted in pain. She stumbled backwards as if his words had punched her in the gut, and he knew she finally understood. He wished it hadn't come to this. It would've been easier if she had just believed he didn't care. As much as he ached, he knew this was the right thing to do even though every fiber of his being wanted to spend eternity with her.

"So that's it." Shepard finally managed to say as she came to the same conclusion in her mind. Her eyes were dead, and her shoulders bowed in defeat.

Something broke inside him.

This was what he can come for, the reason he had been pushing her away. But she looked so empty, so devastated. How could he leave her knowing this was probably the last time he would see her? He thought he was prepared to walk away but he couldn't leave her like this.

"Commander..." His voice cracked.

"Don't you think we're a little past titles?"

"We're a little past a lot of things." Kaidan closed the gap between them. He wanted to take her into his arms to soothe away her worries, to let her know that everything would work out even if neither of them believed it.

For his entire life, he had kept his head down and obeyed the orders of his commanding officers. He had believed in the Council and the glory of settling new space for humanity. When he had returned to the alliance after Jump Zero, he had enlisted because he wanted to serve, to make a difference. He was content with his lot in life but Shepard had changed everything. She filled a hole in him that he didn't even know was there. After an entire lifetime of serving others, he finally wanted something for himself. How could he leave her tonight of all nights?

"When I think about losing you, I can't stand it," Kaidan raised a hand to caress her cheek, "and I will walk away in the morning because that's what we need to do. But tonight, I don't care about Saren. I don't care about the galaxy. I don't even care that Williams had to die for us to be together. The galaxy will just keep going, and everything, even the Reapers, will come around again but what we have will never happen again." Kaidan paused as he tried to find the words to tell her how he felt. "Shepard, you make me feel human."

Shepard closed her eyes as she leaned into his hand to kiss his palm. When she looked at him again, her eyes were filled with tears. "I don't know what this is but I'll take tonight." Her lips curved upwards as a low chuckle emerged from her throat. "I make you feel human? Well you make me feel like I can take on the entire galaxy."

Kaidan reached for her with a groan.

He sank into her eager kiss and breathed in the heady scent of her desire. Shepard responded to his wordless demand by locking her hands around his neck and burying her hands in his hair. Their kiss deepened, and he reached around to lift her against him. She locked her legs around his waist as he stumbled over to the bed.

Through the haze of passion, Kaidan realized there was a desperation in Shepard's embrace as if she was saying goodbye. She wasn't expecting to live through tomorrow, and his stomach clenched in despair.

"I swear," he whispered against her lips, "if anything happens to you..."

She made a ragged sound and shook her head to stop him from continuing. He lost his train of thought as her tongue traced his lips, and her mouth grew even hotter against his.

They tumbled onto the bed.


	17. Silence

Kaidan watched her walk beside Captain Anderson through what remained of the Presidium. The breeze that blew through the wreckage smelled like blood and iron.

The Council was dead. The Alliance was gearing up for war. Sovereign was gone but the Reapers were coming.

It had been weeks since they had defeated Saren, and C-Sec was still combing through the Citadel trying to put some semblance of order back together. Nearby, a salvage crew was tearing through broken machinery to find reusable parts.

The number of deaths had been atrocious, and survivors were still in shock. The devastating realization that the Citadel had been used against them rocked them to their core. Kaidan anticipated a mass exodus off the space station though he doubted the civilians could ever really understand that there was nowhere to hide.

He had put in a request to be transfered off the Normandy but didn't expect a reply anytime soon. The Alliance had more important things to worry about these days.

Kaidan knew the moment she realized he was near. Her stride faltered, and she broke off the conversation she had been having with Anderson. Her head lifted, and her eyes met his from across the wrecked landscape.

_Are you alright?_

He didn't speak the words out loud but merely mouthed them at her. She wouldn't have heard him anyway with all the noise in the background. As if to answer his question, she lifted her shoulders and winced.

_Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?_

Kaidan could almost hear her reply in his head. A piece of Sovereign had crashed through the ceiling right before they had killed Saren. She had fractured her collarbone and broken several ribs as a result. She was still slowly mending.

Despite a stern warning from Doctor Chakwas, she had ignored the pain and refused any medication that would knock her out. She had stormed through the Citadel rallying support from what remained of the military force. She had met with Anderson, Udina, and the rest of the fleet to solidify their defense plans and to prepare a new strategy to strike at the Reapers. War was inevitable, and their enemies were bigger, stronger, and faster. Humanity had no time to rest or to mourn their losses.

He held her gaze for a moment longer. She was unstoppable. She was his warrior. Almost absentmindedly, he wondered again where the scar on her face came from.

_Maybe when this is through..._

Kaidan bit off the words he wanted to say. How could he promise anything when he didn't even know what would happen in the next few hours?

A smile tugged across Shepard's mouth. It was the first smile he had seen on her face in a long time. She gave him that much at least, but they both knew it was over.

And then it was time for him to leave.


End file.
